Soul Searching

I was recently reminded of this post that I shared on my old site years ago. It felt fitting for what I've been going through lately. I have stayed away from any alcohol for 2 weeks and have removed sugar completely from my diet. You can say that I'm doing some much needed soul searching. If you have been doing the same, I hope this gives you a new perspective.

Say Your Prayers

I am not a Christian. Please respect that because I respect those that believe in Jesus Christ. We all have our reasons for our beliefs.

My forever changing belief system began at a young age. I attended church as a child sporadically. It was not a requirement in my home. My mom believed that her four children would find their way when the time was right. I turned to the church seriously when I was twenty-one. My mind set at the time was that if I submitted my life to the guidebook known as the Bible, my life would be corrected and all would be grand. I studied daily and lectured to my friends until they stayed a safe distance away from me. I was baptized in a black Methodist church all to the disappointment of not having the skies open and the answers to life placed into my hands. My days as a Christian dwindled fast after that non-success.

After watching a television show where a person had put herself into a deep state of unconsciousness using meditation, I began my journey into the study of meditation and Eastern religions. I began reading on Hinduism which led to Buddhism followed by Taoism, which I most relate my present spirituality. Taoist do not believe in a God but believe in energy that we all possess which connects the universe. I do not pray to a God, I meditate with the universe.

There have been many times when a friend who is on bad luck tells me “I’m just going to pray on it and leave it in God’s hands”. This makes me cringe. I am uncomfortable with the idea of putting my problems on the to-do list of another entity. Do they believe that problems should be placed on an alter to manifest themselves into a blind conclusion or do they believe that if they open their soul, the spirit that they know as God can provide some suggestions? I’m hoping for the second possibility.

This life that we live is our lives. It is a result of our decisions. When good things happen, it is not simply the blessings of a non-seen leader. And when things go wrong, why would you then blame yourself? Didn’t you just give the praise to someone or something else when all things were going well? Yes, higher spirits interact with us every minute. But one can not expect that relinquishing your responsibilities to the spirits will lead to self-fulfillment. It’s a give and take. You’re going to have to do your part. If you listen, answers are provided. They come in the form of friends or dreams or vibes that tells you to make a left rather than a right. But you will have to decide how you use this information. It is your life.

When you say your prayers, praise the beauty around you, for there is beauty in all things, even our failures. Ask for the strength to connect to the spirits so that the universal network can provide you new perspectives. Then, live your life. Make choices, make mistakes. Make friends, make conflicts. And then, just be thankful for living.

Peace

Jumping In

I never learned how to be successful at jumping double-dutch. Growing up in the city, double-dutch was a wonderful summer activity that took little equipment and few people for a fun time. You took two jump ropes and turned them simultaneously in opposite directions. Each person turning, one on each end of the ropes, moved their arms back and forth in a rhythm that made the ropes create two arcs that encircled the individual jumping in between. The jumper had to lift up as not one but two ropes came around, smacking the ground. There was an amazing dance happening. The ropes made a song as the jumper danced, moving inside this bubble. 

Anyone could participate and you only needed at least three people. But this was an art form that I just wasn't good at. To turn the ropes, you had to keep that beat. It takes coordination to move your arms, left and right, at the same time as your partner. You had to keep a good pace, adjusting for the jumper. The jumper needs to avoid getting hit. We won't even get started on the singing and requested tricks that goes along with the whole thing. And more challenging than anything, at least to me, was jumping in. That was my down fall. I couldn't figure out when to jump in.

Double-dutch was usually played by the girls on the block. I have seen some talented young boys in this game. I really think you have to have a certain skill set to be good at double-dutch. You need to be agile and I was, well, more like a bull. I've always had more of a power forward roughness rather than a point guard swiftness. I would barrel into the ropes, getting them caught around my limbs. Try and try I would, but I couldn't pick the right time to jump into those ropes. After a while I stopped trying. I wish I could have been a part of the dance.

I find myself at times still waiting for the right time to leap into things. Mine is a scientific mind. I watch the pace, the ups and downs. I can still hear the tapping of the feet of others keeping the rhythm, adapting to the movements of their partners, calling me to jump in. I so want to get it right. I want to analyze the situation and discover the formula for finding that exact nanosecond where you should throw yourself into the ropes. I wait, jerking back and forth, waiting for just the right moment. "Now, no... wait, OK, now... not yet, wait..." And I wait. But if you wait too long, your friends will take their ropes and find another person to dance with them. You miss out on the fun.

Don't get me wrong. I have had moments of joining that were magical. I leaped out of corporate America and became a teacher. I had sat on the sidelines, wondering what it would be like to be a part of educating our young people. I wanted to work with others and to make a difference. After calculating my finances and examining universities and the job market, I left my job and went back to school to be certified to teach. It was not always graceful. You learn humility being a middle age woman, relying on someone much younger to show you the best way to cut construction paper. No one tells you about projectile vomit from a six year old when you're in grad school. But I jumped in and I kept my feet moving. I am a teacher. I keep a beat. When a young person lights up and understands a new concept, the awesome feeling that you get inside of your heart can not be described. I had a part of this miracle. I am part of the dance.

Double-dutch is best appreciated by participation. Watching is just not the same. Allowing the music of others to take over you and gliding with them is joyful. We don't always find the right time to get in there. You have to keep jumping in to uncover it. Oh, how beautiful it is when it works.

Stepping into the Forest

Recently I read a wonderful book about perseverance. There is a story about two men on a journey that have to decide if they will travel through a dangerous forest. One man stays at the edge of the woods, afraid to be attacked by thieves amongst the trees. The other makes the journey. His journey is not without challenges. He hides from criminals and wild animals. But he stepped into the forest, braved the hurdles and he made it through.

I haven't written in a published format for years. I teach elementary school students and a few paragraphs of 1st grade writing samples on a classroom board are as much as I've put out lately. I ran into an old friend at a party who introduced me as a writer to his girlfriend. I had forgotten that writing was ever a passion for me. It was like a giant suitcase of tools and samples that were buried in the back of a closet. My writing had become something to be discovered years from now and not for the present. That bothered me.

Recently, I've had a lot of conversations about a friend who passed away only weeks ago. My friend had a "why not" attitude about most things. His husband encouraged me to write again. "Why not?" So, here I am, stepping int the forest. I really can't fail at this. Failing was standing at the edge all that time.

I won't give any apologies for my writing. It's a process. It's a journey. Enjoy!