When Someone Steps In

Recently I was reflecting on memorable moments in my life. Actually, I was tracking backwards to when having consideration for my fellow man became so important to me. I have always felt it best to take into consideration the feelings of others. In fact, in the past I have thought on it too much, putting others before me and not really honoring myself. I knew that need to stop and think about someone else had to come from some place. That need felt more than simple manners taught to me by my family.

The journey through time started off with me screaming at a driver that cut me off in traffic a few days ago. I was furious! "How could you not even think about me or anyone else on the road!" I found myself screaming. I also called him a few choice words. Everyone was safe, no cars were damaged and I really don't think the guy even noticed me. But I was still steaming. And it was at that point that I realized I was more fixated on the point that this stranger did not think about me. How could you not think about me? That thought felt strong and rooted. It felt familiar. And I wanted to know where it came from.

I recalled the earliest time that I felt so strong about how we as people treated others and considered their feelings. I stopped on a day in high school that I stepped out of my usual character. It was on this day that I was yelling at a classmate. This classmate had a best friend who was crying. In my young, adolescent mind, having a best friend in pain was like watching your house be set on fire. You were a fool to not try to stop the damage. To see this person do absolutely nothing while her friend was crying ripped me into pieces. Although this was none of my business and I usually had nothing to say about anything, I laid into this girl. "Don't you see your friend crying? What's wrong with you? How could you just stand their and not do anything?" Almost 30 years later I still can feel the tension as I confronted this person for not considering her friend.

Ok, so if I was that upset in high school, this issue started earlier. There had to be something else that made that feeling so intense. My best friend in grade school was very kind to me. I didn't talk much at school but I would chew her ear off when we were alone. She was always nice about my private ranting. Nothing there. I remembered a time when I wasn't so shy, when I talked to everyone all the time. But that stopped at some point. My annual classroom pictures went from a big smile to no expression at all around 2nd grade. What was going on that turned me into an unhappy child?

My home life was messy but at the time, I didn't realize it was a mess. My father drank and my mother seemed stressed out. My siblings were older and we didn't relate much. The best times were when my mother's sister came to visit. She was so hip! She would come by with platform heels and cool bell-bottom outfits. She had an afro and wore make-up. And she made me laugh. She could make washing your hair a comic event. She was seven years younger than my mom. We were both the youngest child and we had a connection. I was her baby when she was in the room. Even when she had a child of her own, she still had time for me. Unfortunately her marriage fell apart when I was about 6 years old. She stayed over more at our house. At one point I think she moved in. But then she and my cousin moved to Wisconsin. It was at this point that I stopped smiling.

How could she not think of me? How could she move away? My mother was dealing with a lot from her past. It was not until months before cancer took my mother's life at age 57 that I understood that she had been abused as a teen and that she had been pulled down by the world. My dad had his burdens too and he was dealing the best he could. It was my aunt who came to the rescue and brought some joy into that home. And when she moved away, a lot of that joy got sucked out. My little 2nd grader mind just couldn't comprehend it all.

I will say my aunt sent for me in the summers and she did not abandon me despite how my soul took the situation. Reflecting on my family explained why mentoring our children of need is a passion for me. Sometimes a child just needs someone to step in and help out. I am grateful that my aunt did this for me and considered my well being. That love has carried through the years. Whenever I take a moment for another person, I'll give thanks to my aunt.

Soul Searching

I was recently reminded of this post that I shared on my old site years ago. It felt fitting for what I've been going through lately. I have stayed away from any alcohol for 2 weeks and have removed sugar completely from my diet. You can say that I'm doing some much needed soul searching. If you have been doing the same, I hope this gives you a new perspective.

Say Your Prayers

I am not a Christian. Please respect that because I respect those that believe in Jesus Christ. We all have our reasons for our beliefs.

My forever changing belief system began at a young age. I attended church as a child sporadically. It was not a requirement in my home. My mom believed that her four children would find their way when the time was right. I turned to the church seriously when I was twenty-one. My mind set at the time was that if I submitted my life to the guidebook known as the Bible, my life would be corrected and all would be grand. I studied daily and lectured to my friends until they stayed a safe distance away from me. I was baptized in a black Methodist church all to the disappointment of not having the skies open and the answers to life placed into my hands. My days as a Christian dwindled fast after that non-success.

After watching a television show where a person had put herself into a deep state of unconsciousness using meditation, I began my journey into the study of meditation and Eastern religions. I began reading on Hinduism which led to Buddhism followed by Taoism, which I most relate my present spirituality. Taoist do not believe in a God but believe in energy that we all possess which connects the universe. I do not pray to a God, I meditate with the universe.

There have been many times when a friend who is on bad luck tells me “I’m just going to pray on it and leave it in God’s hands”. This makes me cringe. I am uncomfortable with the idea of putting my problems on the to-do list of another entity. Do they believe that problems should be placed on an alter to manifest themselves into a blind conclusion or do they believe that if they open their soul, the spirit that they know as God can provide some suggestions? I’m hoping for the second possibility.

This life that we live is our lives. It is a result of our decisions. When good things happen, it is not simply the blessings of a non-seen leader. And when things go wrong, why would you then blame yourself? Didn’t you just give the praise to someone or something else when all things were going well? Yes, higher spirits interact with us every minute. But one can not expect that relinquishing your responsibilities to the spirits will lead to self-fulfillment. It’s a give and take. You’re going to have to do your part. If you listen, answers are provided. They come in the form of friends or dreams or vibes that tells you to make a left rather than a right. But you will have to decide how you use this information. It is your life.

When you say your prayers, praise the beauty around you, for there is beauty in all things, even our failures. Ask for the strength to connect to the spirits so that the universal network can provide you new perspectives. Then, live your life. Make choices, make mistakes. Make friends, make conflicts. And then, just be thankful for living.

Peace

What's Wrong?

Now that I'm in my forties, I have discovered my subtle super powers. Over the years I have learned to make these skills work for me. I'm a detective in a way. I can answer the question "what's wrong?" Its great for being a teacher. I look at my six-year-old students, deep in the stages of development, and I figure out what needs more work. If "Jackie" can't read, I will identify what pieces are missing. Does Jackie know her letter sounds? Is she getting the b confused with the d? I'm a teacher. Teachers fix what's wrong.

My super powers also works with adults. I can read the tension in a person's face and I will find a way to get that person to relax. "What's wrong?", I ask. People like to share with me because of this skill. I have been told that I carry a sense of calm. It makes me feel good that I can put someone's mind to ease. This skill also helps me to identify bad guys. When people-watching, I can find that shady person in the crowd. I can see what's wrong with a picture. Its very helpful.

I acquired my skills in a way that I'm not too proud about. I grew up with an alcoholic. Having a drunk dad coming home from a drinking binge, I had to be very observant. I had to figure out if this is a babbling, fall-asleep evening or a angry throw-a-plate kind of night. I worried about upsetting the other members of my family. They were walking on eggshells and the last thing I wanted to do was make them upset. It was simply chaos. Everything was wrong but I didn't know this because I was a child. Children should be worrying about other things than intoxicated parents. So, without wanting to, I worked on constantly labeling what was wrong.

I am happy that as an adult I put my powers to good. I try to help when I know what's wrong. Yet here is where things fall apart. Life is not perfect. There is always something "wrong" with everything. I get fixated on the negative. There will always be a moment that a person will show tension. In my mind, I always need to stop and listen. If they are carrying too many problems on their sleeve, I'm overwhelmed, running for the hills because for me their discomfort glows like neon.  I meet a woman that I feel attraction and I immediately make a list of what's wrong with her. That would explain why I am single right now.  I'm on overload because I keep seeing what's wrong.

It gets worse. Not only am I focused on what's wrong, I'm thinking about what could go wrong. It is this ball-and-chain that is dragging my ideas for a mentoring program through the mud. For five years, I have dreamed of starting a mentoring program. I believe that children of color, particularly those in urban public schools, should have mentors of color that successfully have graduated from urban public schools and gone on to college. I would like to put these two groups together.  I have written notes. I have done research. I even presented my thesis in my graduate courses. But my constant worry about what could go wrong has kept me from putting my ideas into motion.

This blog is in some way a means to organize my thoughts and to put a program together. This is a way to focus on what is right and what is possible. It also lets me be a writer again. That's the journey and there's nothing wrong if it feels right.