Where do I begin?

Ok, I've been gone for a long time. I have good reason. I have been busy living life.  Where do I begin?

First, I am 50 pounds lighter. Exactly 6 months ago, I realized that I had been trying to solve a lot of problems with food.   I gave up alcohol, sugar, cheese, wheat and fried foods, and I found a smaller, healthier, happier human being. My blood pressure is now normal without medication. My finances look better (people that eat compulsively without identifying the problem usually don't recognize how much money is spent on those food items). I enjoy yoga now because my smaller frame can move easier than before.  Life is good.

My spirit feels like it's a little less burdened. I still don't believe in leaving my problems on an alter.  I do however give more of those worries up to the universe and then I listen on how I should move forward. There is a plan bigger than anything I could dream up. I am directing less and listening more to what the world has for me. My actions are based on faith and not on fear. That feels graceful and full of peace.

As for mentoring, well, I have found more than ten young people to support. I go back to my old side of town monthly to tutor preschoolers. I found this opportunity through United We Serve, the nationwide service initiate dedicated to help during the economic downturn.  Twice a week I'm coaching 3rd-5th graders through the program Girls On the Run, a non-profit prevention program aimed at preteen girls to develop self-esteem and healthy lifestyles.   I am also starting work with an individual on research to support the benefits of same-race or alumni mentoring for at-risk children. There has also been discussions of working with an organization to provide flexible hours to free up volunteers to work with students after school hours. My focus is on putting ideas into action. Those baby steps are slowly adding up.

Again, life is good. Stay tuned on where this will take me next.

Soul Searching

I was recently reminded of this post that I shared on my old site years ago. It felt fitting for what I've been going through lately. I have stayed away from any alcohol for 2 weeks and have removed sugar completely from my diet. You can say that I'm doing some much needed soul searching. If you have been doing the same, I hope this gives you a new perspective.

Say Your Prayers

I am not a Christian. Please respect that because I respect those that believe in Jesus Christ. We all have our reasons for our beliefs.

My forever changing belief system began at a young age. I attended church as a child sporadically. It was not a requirement in my home. My mom believed that her four children would find their way when the time was right. I turned to the church seriously when I was twenty-one. My mind set at the time was that if I submitted my life to the guidebook known as the Bible, my life would be corrected and all would be grand. I studied daily and lectured to my friends until they stayed a safe distance away from me. I was baptized in a black Methodist church all to the disappointment of not having the skies open and the answers to life placed into my hands. My days as a Christian dwindled fast after that non-success.

After watching a television show where a person had put herself into a deep state of unconsciousness using meditation, I began my journey into the study of meditation and Eastern religions. I began reading on Hinduism which led to Buddhism followed by Taoism, which I most relate my present spirituality. Taoist do not believe in a God but believe in energy that we all possess which connects the universe. I do not pray to a God, I meditate with the universe.

There have been many times when a friend who is on bad luck tells me “I’m just going to pray on it and leave it in God’s hands”. This makes me cringe. I am uncomfortable with the idea of putting my problems on the to-do list of another entity. Do they believe that problems should be placed on an alter to manifest themselves into a blind conclusion or do they believe that if they open their soul, the spirit that they know as God can provide some suggestions? I’m hoping for the second possibility.

This life that we live is our lives. It is a result of our decisions. When good things happen, it is not simply the blessings of a non-seen leader. And when things go wrong, why would you then blame yourself? Didn’t you just give the praise to someone or something else when all things were going well? Yes, higher spirits interact with us every minute. But one can not expect that relinquishing your responsibilities to the spirits will lead to self-fulfillment. It’s a give and take. You’re going to have to do your part. If you listen, answers are provided. They come in the form of friends or dreams or vibes that tells you to make a left rather than a right. But you will have to decide how you use this information. It is your life.

When you say your prayers, praise the beauty around you, for there is beauty in all things, even our failures. Ask for the strength to connect to the spirits so that the universal network can provide you new perspectives. Then, live your life. Make choices, make mistakes. Make friends, make conflicts. And then, just be thankful for living.

Peace

Be Gentle

We are our worse critics. We know that. But what is amazing is how cruel we can be to ourselves. What we would never say or think about our friends, we put upon ourselves. Our self-criticisms are not gentle, they are at times, cruel and evil.

Recently, a good friend of mine passed away. He would be proud that I remembered not to put a s on the end of "mine". It was a little thing between us. "That's mines" I would say. He would smile and gently correct me. It is funny how one remembers the little thing between friends when they are not around. My friend died from cancer. We don't get to have those conversations anymore. In the last few months of his life, I would go to visit him often. As his sister-in-law said to me, "I try to come as often as I can because I don't know how much time we have left". And we didn't know. We knew it was limited because the hospital sent him home after years of his illness. He managed to battle cancer for the majority of his life. He had lost part of his leg, later to have the whole leg removed. And he was still going. My friend seemed invincible and I just thought the hospital was wrong.

I only visited and did not live with my friend through his final days. His husband and his family was with him much more than I was. Yet, the recorder inside of me took in the gradual changes. As cancer took a stronger hold of his body, my mind was filled with "before and after" images. His body became weaker. He became thinner. And I cried when my friend's mind no longer was sharp. His statements stopped making sense. It tore at me like muscles being pulled away from the bones. The pain was not visible. I knew it would mend with time but it was there.

One of the last things I got to share with my friend toward the end of his life was that another one of my best friends had gotten a great job in Hawaii. When I told him, he lit up and smiled. I shared that moment with my buddy that was leaving for the islands. She was happy that he was able to acknowledge her news despite his struggle to make sense of things in that stage of the disease.  He died days later. So, after watching one friend pass away, I prepared to say bye to another. I promised her that if she got the job and decided to move, I would go with her to help her settle in her new home. Hawaii is so far away from the Midwest. I hoped that simply having a friend on the plane ride over would help. It was odd, going back to the airport but not having her board with me. This time, as I said good-bye to another friend, I had the feel of an empty, gnawing stomach. Different hurt but pain just the same.

I like to self-medicate.  Greasy food, sugary treats gives a numbing result. Anything with cheese on it helps. Drinks are good too. After saying bye to my friends, I didn't feel good so I medicated. What was left was a person 20 pounds heavier. Rather than admit that I was in pain, I beat myself up some more. I told myself that I was being a baby. I looked in the mirror and was fixated on the ugliness that I had decided was in front of me. There was no gentle happening at a time that my soul really just needed a hug. So cruel.

I'm starting to feel better. I've taken a little time each day to write in my personal journal and to take myself on some much needed walks by the lake. I now see a friend in the mirror. That's the thing about friendships. It comes with amazing highs but also a few lows. I am blessed that I have beautiful friends. I am being gentle with me, just as my friends have always done when I needed help. And that is how I treat my friends. It works for me too.

If you would like to read about my now departed friend and how his husband has survived the lost, check out the xanax diary.

From some pretty tight shoes...

10 years ago, I was a writer for a very cool website, twotightshoes. We wrote articles and poetry for women of color. I recently went to see what was left of our old site. Take a look at www.twotightshoes.net . Trust me, that is not what the site looked like when I posted there.

I decided to share a piece that I posted some years back. Enjoy!

The Visitor

This morning I woke to find a demon in my living room. She looked a lot like me, only with horns and a tail. She had taken a place in my favorite Lazy-Boy. There was the remote control in her left hand and a beer in the right. Her feet were up and she looked as if she had always lived in my home, very relaxed, almost too relaxed.

“Excuse me. Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my apartment?” I said. I tried to keep my voice calm. You don’t exactly want to piss a demon off.

“Don’t you recognize me?” She said. “Look at me. I’m your demon, silly. You know, your dark side. You’ve been going so long not doing anything to get rid of me so I figured I might as well make myself at home. It’s pretty boring inside your head. You don’t do too much. It’s much cozier out here. Want a beer?” She reached into a cooler that was sitting on the floor next to the recliner. “There’s a good talk show coming on in a few minutes. Grab a seat.”

“I don’t think so. Umm, since you’re out and about, why don’t you go to someone else’s house? I heard OJ’s demons could use some company. Why don’t you go there? Isn’t he in California? The weather is much better there than in Chicago.”

“Umm, no.”

This was not going to be easy. I ran my hand through my dreadlocks and thought for a minute. “OK, you’re my demon, right?”

“You bet!”

“OK, I demand that you leave, right now”

She began to laugh. “That’s funny, girl. Come on, sit and have a beer or two.”

“Fine”, I said. “Then I’m just going to kick your butt out.” I proceeded to grab her arm. The heat from her skin singed my hand. “Ow! You really are a demon, aren’t you?”

“You bet! Now hush. The show is on”.

I went back into my bedroom and slammed the door. How in the hell was I going to get her out of here? And why did I have such a big lazy demon anyway? I didn’t even know I had something like that lurking in my head. This must be a dream! That’s it, a dream. I rubbed my eyes real hard, jumped up and opened the bedroom. Just as I got the door fully open, she gave a thunderous belch. How disgusting! Nope, it wasn’t a dream. I slammed the door and threw myself onto the bed.

Three days have past and she’s still here. I’ve tried screaming at her, tried ignoring her, hell, I even tried reading scripture and doing Buddhist chants. She’s still here. She looks like she’s getting fatter and lazier. She eats up all the food in the refrigerator. She doesn’t shower and she stinks like I don’t know what. The cats won’t leave the bedroom. I think they are the reason she doesn’t crawl in my bed at night. She just stays in that chair, drinking beer and watching TV. I’m going to need help with this one.

I went to the library last night and picked up as many books as I could about exorcisms. There was a lot of nothing in most of the books. It wasn’t until the last book that I got an idea.

“When were you created? I asked her when I got home.

“When you were born. Can you be quiet, I’m watching TV.”

“No, I can’t. Why did you keep growing? You look as old as I do. That means you must have been growing as I’ve been growing. How is that so?”

“As long as you don’t conquer your fears, I can live. Stop asking me questions.”

“You have to answer me, don’t you?”

“Yes. Damn it, stop that!” she screamed. She seemed a little agitated.

“Umm, no. I’m going to keep asking you questions until I know everything about you.”

I spent the night quizzing her on my entire existence. The more I asked, the smaller she got. I felt this weight removed, not only from my Lazy-Boy but from my soul as well. There was a peace with the understanding. At times I cried, at others I laughed at my ignorance of what had kept me from my goals for so long. And she just got smaller and smaller.

“OK, I’m finished.” By this time, she was nothing but a formless red smoke hovering over the chair. “One last thing. Get the hell out of my home. Better yet, get out of my life!”

As the smoke cleared, I heard a voice whisper “be careful, I just may come back.”

“Not if I have anything to do with it”, I said. And peace was returned to me.