What's Wrong?

Now that I'm in my forties, I have discovered my subtle super powers. Over the years I have learned to make these skills work for me. I'm a detective in a way. I can answer the question "what's wrong?" Its great for being a teacher. I look at my six-year-old students, deep in the stages of development, and I figure out what needs more work. If "Jackie" can't read, I will identify what pieces are missing. Does Jackie know her letter sounds? Is she getting the b confused with the d? I'm a teacher. Teachers fix what's wrong.

My super powers also works with adults. I can read the tension in a person's face and I will find a way to get that person to relax. "What's wrong?", I ask. People like to share with me because of this skill. I have been told that I carry a sense of calm. It makes me feel good that I can put someone's mind to ease. This skill also helps me to identify bad guys. When people-watching, I can find that shady person in the crowd. I can see what's wrong with a picture. Its very helpful.

I acquired my skills in a way that I'm not too proud about. I grew up with an alcoholic. Having a drunk dad coming home from a drinking binge, I had to be very observant. I had to figure out if this is a babbling, fall-asleep evening or a angry throw-a-plate kind of night. I worried about upsetting the other members of my family. They were walking on eggshells and the last thing I wanted to do was make them upset. It was simply chaos. Everything was wrong but I didn't know this because I was a child. Children should be worrying about other things than intoxicated parents. So, without wanting to, I worked on constantly labeling what was wrong.

I am happy that as an adult I put my powers to good. I try to help when I know what's wrong. Yet here is where things fall apart. Life is not perfect. There is always something "wrong" with everything. I get fixated on the negative. There will always be a moment that a person will show tension. In my mind, I always need to stop and listen. If they are carrying too many problems on their sleeve, I'm overwhelmed, running for the hills because for me their discomfort glows like neon.  I meet a woman that I feel attraction and I immediately make a list of what's wrong with her. That would explain why I am single right now.  I'm on overload because I keep seeing what's wrong.

It gets worse. Not only am I focused on what's wrong, I'm thinking about what could go wrong. It is this ball-and-chain that is dragging my ideas for a mentoring program through the mud. For five years, I have dreamed of starting a mentoring program. I believe that children of color, particularly those in urban public schools, should have mentors of color that successfully have graduated from urban public schools and gone on to college. I would like to put these two groups together.  I have written notes. I have done research. I even presented my thesis in my graduate courses. But my constant worry about what could go wrong has kept me from putting my ideas into motion.

This blog is in some way a means to organize my thoughts and to put a program together. This is a way to focus on what is right and what is possible. It also lets me be a writer again. That's the journey and there's nothing wrong if it feels right.